Goodbye forever

I didn't do anything wrong to you... I left for a year to learn and study in Israel, because I don't understand who I am, religiously, personally...I left for my own sake. But this wasn't something you didn't know about. You knew, just as well as anyone else...actually, of all my friends, you knew first! So why was it that when I decided to pursue what was right, you decided that was the time to try and convince me I was wrong? Why did you make me question everything? Why did you try to turn me against my family after I already had started to make amends with them again? What did I do to you that made you hate me? I played with your heard, like you played with mine, it was a game, something constant. We flirted with each other and then...nothing would come of it, but we flirted...I saw the game, you didn't. When I said I loved you at 14, and 16 and at 18...I still didn't really know what that meant... I still don't! So why did you believe me? And at 20 when I said I wasn't sure what I wanted, why did you tell me that if I just would love you and commit to you that everything would be okay? Freshly 20 and you knew me so well that you told me you loved all my insecurities and that the girl you fell in love with at 14 was still in me....I don't even remember who that girl is anymore! I'm so much more than I was at 14, but you still see me at 14, how could I ever love someone who only sees me for what I was and not for who I am? If you really loved all my insecurities than you would love me for who I am now at 20...not only at 14. I guess I was wrong for trying to make amends and say I'm sorry, and that I hoped our friendship was more than just at 14 and not something that had been drawn out all those years...I'm sorry that I said I was thinking about you and that you had inspired me to do something I'm scared of doing...being in the spotlight. I'm sorry for hurting you and for playing childish games with you. I wish I had never flirted or said the word love to you. I'm sorry I didn't listen to my parents sooner when they said you were only hurting me and that I should let you go...Truth be told I should have let you go years ago. Yet I tried to keep you close because it was comforting that cycle we had...not healthy but it was comforting in an odd way. I'm sorry for my immoral and selfish act of keeping you around because it was something to me...when in all honesty you were more harm to me than I ever knew. When we said goodbye before I was even sure if I was leaving....I was trying to be nice, thinking maybe time apart would help us cool off and we'd see how ridiculous everything was...apparently I was wrong. But I'm hurt, that even when I tried to be kind, you feel it necessary to be rude and cruel. I'm sorry for what I did, but I'm not sorry for saying goodbye anymore...I can see why it was so necessary now..

Vayishlach

Alright so while I know that I usually don't post about Torah portions on here, I thought this one was very...well, appropriate. Vayishlach is all about Jacob wrestling with Hashem, much like most of my peers I wrestle with many things. But my biggest challenge always seems to be with my roots, where I came from, the people I love even though I lack the ways to show it. For example, I will always remember my friends birthday's no matter what, if you're important and in my life I'll remember it, but somehow I can never remember my parents birthday's...what should be an easy thing to do, I find little importance in. Knowing how old they are just isn't...well..important. I wrestle constantly to try to break away from my parents to set them free of me and my ball of horrible-ness, my horrible choices and situations I put them and myself in. Jacob wrestled with Hashem for the truth of who he was, I wrestle with everyone around me trying to look for the easy way out and for someone to just baby me and make me feel good about myself...OH! and I seem to live in this fantasy world where everything will turn out okay. I've been lucky...so far.. but luck runs out quick. You learn quickly that upholding bargains is a REALLY big deal! That outside of the home, no one really cares about you anymore. That sometimes what you think is the best decision isn't what your parents want you to do. The army is now my life, it's what I have to do...and while my body isn't used to this yet, it will be, I've never been so determined to succeed. Working out isn't something I do, yet now I find myself at the gym 3 times a week running at least 2 miles combined, and trying to get to where I need to be before I go to basic. While many wouldn't ever choose this path I did, and while it's not the IDF, it's the army I wanted to join. I love my family and I love the country that I grew up in too, what better way to say thank you than putting my life on the line for what I was given to defend what everyone else has. Like Jacob it's not about the easy way in life, and sometimes your reasons for doing things aren't accepted by others. But just like Jacob I'm wrestling to find the truth....

my vacation

I never did manage to blog about my thoughts on my family's trip to Israel, so I thought I'd give it a shot....

I've dreamed about my family in Israel with me, I've fantasized about leading them through the streets watching them take it all in. The things that were normal to me, and familiar becoming just as familiar and normal to them too. There are two moments that made that trip the most magical experience for me. The first happened on the night we got there, after we had landed, completely exhausted and stressed from dealing with a cab driver who couldn't find where we needed to go and spoke practically no English. We hadn't eaten dinner and everyone was tired and just wanted to go to bed..., well I wanted to go to bed, and Mom was all full of energy! I swear she never slept! As dad tried to figure out how we where going to eat, I tried to kindly say without snapping to much, say "hey! I do know where things are here!" I was not very listened to at first because everyone wanted to do it for themselves. Well mom wanted shwarma, and there's only one place you should ever go for shwarma or falafel! And that's in Ben Yehuda st, there's this little restaurant called HaMarosh. Exhausted and hungry I took my family (minus my sister who was rather sick), to this little place and ordered for them shwarma, falafel and shnitzel, Dad of course had to video everything...embarrassing as most of my Hebrew was still on delay since I couldn't think straight. Everything was worth it though when I handed Mom that first shwarma, and she took that first bite. There was a second when the world stopped for just a moment as my Mother's face took on that look that had only one emotion to it, so pure and clear that even I smiled at it. The smile on her face full of pure happiness, I felt such excitement and such pride, even though I'd really not done anything. But I know she never looked more beautiful, that excitement never left the whole trip! The other moment, was walking to the kotel hand in hand with my sister and my mom. When we got through the old city and we got through the security check, we just stood in the courtyard looking at it. Although there was nothing magical about it for me, once again my mom made it the best moment possible for me. My sister seemed to have no emotional connection to it at all, my mom held both of our hands and as we walked towards it, tears came to my eyes, we touched the wall at possible for me. My sister seemed to have no emotional connection to it at all, my mom held both of our hands and as we walked towards it, tears came to my eyes, we touched the wall and said a prayer. As we walked back, meeting up with my dad and brother's I couldn't have been happier, had the best time with my family and I wouldn't ever trade it for anything in the whole wide world!

Crying for a different reason

Walking into that first classroom, just walking through the door, I nearly peed my pants. I'm serious, I had already locked myself out of my room and left the paper that had what room I was supposed to be at in my room. As I looked at the faces of the kids, I could have sworn everyone was glaring at me. I decided to trust my instincts and vote that it was my class. NEVER have I felt so scared, as the professor began to call our names I started to panic as my name wasn't called. A scary 10 minutes later, she announced that was one class out of her 3. I began breathing again, and I'm pretty sure my heart started to beat again. Needless to say I was in the right place and as class began to take place, it was more like we where having a conversation with her, not a lecture. She handed out a piece of text for us to read, and then a sheet with different values listed on them. We were to pick our top 10 and then top 3. I did as was told, almost mindlessly and didn't even think about what I would choose until I read the descriptions underneath the different values. All of a sudden it was hard to pick between respect and honesty or trust, which came first? It was there in black and white, so simply put, but not at all. That's when my brain kicked in. Why was I doing this? What did it matter to her what my values where? Then I realized, I'm in college, everything matters, what I believe and why, what I think, what I say, what I do. Things like knowing where your family, and how you feel about the way you where raised are important. But most amazing, was that, not once did anyone mess around, everyone WANTED to be there. We where all learning because we wanted too. I nearly started to cry, I never thought I could want something so much ever again. And yet here I am so excited for my classes to begin that I want the weekend to be over! I can't wait to see what else is going to happen, and I can't wait to learn more!

Accepted and lost....

I got accepted. That moment that should have been filled with laughter and excitement my parents simply sat there and looked at me with blank expressions and said, "If that's what you want Heath." . I was excited, I was happy, I wanted a hug and to be told congratulations that I was accepted. I wanted some recognition that I'd done something right...or at least not something wrong....then my parents sat me down and told me that my behavior shows that I'm clinically depressed...or something like that. They say that I'm isolating myself...that I'm exhibiting behavior that isn't healthy and what not. I'm sad, yes, I'm tired yes. I'm not isolating and the fact that I do what I do, well I don't know what to tell you but I just want to find a way to be happy. I don't know, I'm just tired and want to sleep all day. Again I know not healthy but what ever, who cares, I'm 18 yrs old for crying out loud! Most 18 yr olds don't wake up till the crack of noon or 3 pm! Maybe it's because I'm the oldest, maybe it's because I really am messed up, maybe I should be institutionalized. Who knows! I sure don't...I just keep accepting who I am and move on with it.

Help?!?!?

I'm losing reason's to wake up in the morning....today I woke up a full hour later then previously agreed to by my parents and I. I don't want to work, I kind of want to go to school, but I don't really want to do anything. I'm tired all day, I'm not abiding by the rules and talking...I hate talking it just brings on another fight and another reason for me to consider why not living is a better option. It's easier, but not really what I want. I don't want to be alone, and everyone keeps saying "you'll be okay," or "you'll pull through this" I know I can't do any worse...but it doesn't seem to matter what I do anymore...For goodness sake, I bribed myself with chocolate to get out of bed yesterday! I mean, I actually don't know what to do anymore,I just want someone to tell me what the right thing to do is. When I ask people look at me and say "I don't know Heath, it's your life, you decide!" I didn't ask you who I should marry! I didn't ask you to tell me what I should do! NO! I asked you what you thought would be the best choice for me! You're the adults, you've guided me all of my life! WHY THE FUCK CAN'T YOU HELP ME NOW!?!?!?! I hold my tongue when I'm angry because I know I don't mean everything that might come out and half the time I want to say something to either shut someone up or to completely throw them off guard. I still don't know who I am, except that I feel like a slimy person who takes up space and air and is a waste of soul. The only good thing is when I bring home bagels and it comes in handy for something or I do the dishes or something like that. Otherwise I get my ass handed to me for not doing something with myself when the truth is, I haven't the slightest idea what I'm supposed to do. Yes I'm late on deciding, when have I ever been on time!?!?Yes I changed my mind fifty gazillion times, when don't I? Yes I'm not an adult yet, I've never really wanted to fully grow up! I mean I do, but money scares me! I like getting things, I hate losing it, I hate dealing with it. I don't want to deal with it! I don't want to live at home, but I don't know where else to go, so school sounds good because well...it's away from home, but close enough to retreat when I need to be at home. I don't really want to learn but I guess I will because if I don't I'm going to end up kicked out of the house anyways. I'm so confused, I just want to live and be happy and not be told how inadequate I am as a daughter, a person, and a human being. I've already been told I fucked up high school and that I wasted that, and that I did nothing with it. Well, right now, I just want to be okay. I'm Heather, not anyone else, I'm trying, I am, I just don't know what really wanting something is like anymore....I actually can't remember what that feels like...I don't know what to do anymore or where to go...

Staring me in the face.

What I thought was going to be a....interesting to say the least, concert ended up being the concert that I think I found myself the most. Nashama Carlebach, is probably one of the most amazing people I've ever heard sing, speak, be in the able to experience. I thought Jews couldn't do gospel, I know we've got soul but lets face it we're not usually any Jennifer Hudson's or Whitney Houston's! I thought anyone who tried to combine Christianity and Judaism was going Jews for Jesus for sure. But that wasn't the case, and as I sat there with my own problems in my head and as I did I started to listen to her, the baptist church choir not backing her up but helping moving the audience just as much. And from her I understood, that it doesn't matter where you're from, what religion you follow or what you believe to be right or wrong, but that if we don't all start making peace with each other and understanding the it doesn't matter who or where you're from that until there's peace among us all we can't make peace in the world too. I realized that I may have my disagreements with Judaism but that's okay, we all do. But more than anything, without Judaism and music I feel empty and because of that I have to become a Cantor, it's what I was meant to do. It's what God intended me to do. I can't not help others to learn how to raise their voices in prayer and help them to find what they're seeking for. And it was staring me in the face this whole time.....silly me!

Art

I thought I'd share my art, I love it and it's another way I express myself! The large big colorful one, took first place in my first art competition this year!

The Worst in the World

I want to scream at him, I want to drive to his house and say to him "Look at me! Look how far I've come with out your help!" nearly 10 years....would you hold a grudge and not talk to someone for 10 years? I wouldn't it's stupid! how about against you child, I hope you think I'm crazy, if you do than I have faith in you that you won't do that. A few days ago my family got an e-mail from my grandfather.....who we've not heard from in 10 years, it was about something medical, which isn't really all that important to this post. What got me was that in the end of it, he said "I don't really care what you do with this and I don't really care if you answer me or not". This man, who happens to be my grandfather, who used to care about me....or at least I thought he did... doesn't care. I wanted to scream at him and I mean I don't like being mean really and truly, but I've got a rather large desire to drive up to their house and punch him in the face and scream at him for everything that he should have been there for. For everything that he missed, for making me feel special when I was nothing to him. For pretending to love me and letting his own stupid bothers get in the way. I know that your supposed to respect your elders.....how am I supposed to do that when they're stupid and ignorant and couldn't care less about me? I watch my friends talk about their grandparents, I've met them, they're awesome people, they love their grandkids and they can't seem to find one bad quality about them. Mine well 2 of them I've not talked to for 10 years....and they can't even tell you what I like or my favorite color. As far as they're concerned I'm still 9. Well I'm sick of being quiet and I know it'll piss him off more. But I'm entitled to my own opinion, and mine is that he needs to grow a pair of balls and put on your big boy pants and just deal with it and although you missed out on my life, you've got 3 other grandkids still that you can make not hate you. Well maybe only 2...or 1, ....I take that back you just royally screwed yourself and there's no going back! I want to know what I did....why was I punished....was it that great? Did it help? are you happy now? I really hope you are, because karma's a bitch, I just hope that I'm there when it happens! ...." I pray all your dreams never come true...." I'm so glad you taught me how to know exactly what not to do. I hope I never end up like you. And I hope one day I see you in the grocery store and I intend to do everything I can in my power to give you every piece of my mind that you never want to hear. I'll just make sure that when I do it, there's no way my parents will hear about it. Congratulations on being the Worst Grandparents in the World! Hey, at least you succeed at something!

Not all here....

I've been dead for so long it's hard for me to remember what it's like to live again......I'm not even sure when it first happened. But all of a sudden my daily life has become mainly getting yelled at. I'd love to say I'm not sure how I got into this place, but truth is I know exactly how I got here. Not even music brings me to life any more. I'm not really sure what I'm supposed do to get out of here. I know my world is crashing fast, and everything I love is going, and for some reason I just don't care.... I use to care, now.....everyone else seems to see what is going on and how to get out of it, but all I seem capable of is to talk...but I'm not sure how. I don't have the will to live, there's nothing good, it's so hard. What is there to look forward to any more? I gave up on going to Israel, I'm not sure if I convinced myself that it wasn't what I wanted or if it really wasn't what I wanted. I love my art....I know that it makes me happy...I think for a long time and up until now I've just made it be that if I was happy that I was living. I've not written in months....I can't even tell you how or why. I use to have so much emotion! I remember being 13 and having so much to say....now I'm not even sure what I'm capable of doing any more. But everyone else is able to see exactly what I can and can't do, yet I still have no clue. I'm not this pig headed and I know it, I use to care when someone was upset with me. It used to be the only thing I cared, I don't care that I'm graduating, I don't care about anything, and to be honest...I'm scared. I want Mom and Dad to hold my hand and help me through this....I want to know that it's going to be okay in the end, but I'm 18...that's not okay. I've always known I'm not normal, and I've just written off my behavior as normal teenage activity....but it's not, and in my heart I've always kind of known that too. It's hard, I guess at this rate I'll be dead.....within the next 2 or 3 years. I keep waiting for it to get better.....and I know it won't, but I keep waiting because it always seemed too. But it won't this time, I've always found a way to deal with it....but I don't think I can any more...I know I have to at some point. But this isn't what is good...I'm afraid of living. I've not lived for so long...that I'm afraid of what it's like to live....it's in my eyes, it's in my heart...I'm scared...and I'm a coward because I don't have the strength to get through it and be strong enough to try to live again. I'm ready to live again...I just don't know how to.....so until then....I'm silently dying......