Goodbye forever

I didn't do anything wrong to you... I left for a year to learn and study in Israel, because I don't understand who I am, religiously, personally...I left for my own sake. But this wasn't something you didn't know about. You knew, just as well as anyone else...actually, of all my friends, you knew first! So why was it that when I decided to pursue what was right, you decided that was the time to try and convince me I was wrong? Why did you make me question everything? Why did you try to turn me against my family after I already had started to make amends with them again? What did I do to you that made you hate me? I played with your heard, like you played with mine, it was a game, something constant. We flirted with each other and then...nothing would come of it, but we flirted...I saw the game, you didn't. When I said I loved you at 14, and 16 and at 18...I still didn't really know what that meant... I still don't! So why did you believe me? And at 20 when I said I wasn't sure what I wanted, why did you tell me that if I just would love you and commit to you that everything would be okay? Freshly 20 and you knew me so well that you told me you loved all my insecurities and that the girl you fell in love with at 14 was still in me....I don't even remember who that girl is anymore! I'm so much more than I was at 14, but you still see me at 14, how could I ever love someone who only sees me for what I was and not for who I am? If you really loved all my insecurities than you would love me for who I am now at 20...not only at 14. I guess I was wrong for trying to make amends and say I'm sorry, and that I hoped our friendship was more than just at 14 and not something that had been drawn out all those years...I'm sorry that I said I was thinking about you and that you had inspired me to do something I'm scared of doing...being in the spotlight. I'm sorry for hurting you and for playing childish games with you. I wish I had never flirted or said the word love to you. I'm sorry I didn't listen to my parents sooner when they said you were only hurting me and that I should let you go...Truth be told I should have let you go years ago. Yet I tried to keep you close because it was comforting that cycle we had...not healthy but it was comforting in an odd way. I'm sorry for my immoral and selfish act of keeping you around because it was something to me...when in all honesty you were more harm to me than I ever knew. When we said goodbye before I was even sure if I was leaving....I was trying to be nice, thinking maybe time apart would help us cool off and we'd see how ridiculous everything was...apparently I was wrong. But I'm hurt, that even when I tried to be kind, you feel it necessary to be rude and cruel. I'm sorry for what I did, but I'm not sorry for saying goodbye anymore...I can see why it was so necessary now..