Handicapped

When it seems that you are an outsider looking in on something else how do you become the insider? When your vision is distorted or unclear how do you clear the fog from your eyes so you can see? When all your life you've lived with a handicap, even if it may be a small one, how do you overcome it? What if your handicap makes it difficult for you to learn certain things or you are missing many concepts in that area, how do you make it better? What if you've been trying to get over it since the 3rd grade. All my life I've had handicaps in math, none of it clicks, simple things like adding and subtracting are difficult for me to do, multiplying is hard too. The ADD doesn't help either, it's just another hurdle for me to jump over. The world of math has never made sense to me, I don't think is ever will, and to me that is not okay. I don't want to just barley pass by or know the material enough to just scrape up an A on a test. I want to understand it, and to pass without a worry or break into a sweat every time I'm asked to try a problem out in front of the class. I want to walk into an SAT and not dread the math section because I'm not sure what I will and won't understand and will I be able to answer more than 20 questions on it. I want to be competent in more than just geometry, I want to be good at algebra too. I've never liked my handicap, I've excepted it, but I've never become fond of it or ever shown it off. I've hidden it, hoping that if I get far enough ahead of the class I'll be able to appear just like everyone else, you know, normal. But when the school decides to asses you on your math thinking, it all comes out, every little trick, movement, and procedure that you've created to help get through the fog and get to the answer. In that assessment I felt naked, they had exposed me in a way that was uncomfortable and embarrassing, I felt powerless and out of control. I wanted it to end as fast as it could. I don't want that to happen anymore, I want out of this straight jacket, I need my wings to fly.....