Outside in the warm Israeli summer air, the chatter of girls is all around me, sitting outside, trying to concentrate, trying to clear my thoughts. My head is distracted by thoughts of leaving. My heart is heavy, filled beyond capacity it seems with the the friendships that I know will be hard to keep in the weeks ahead.
Here in this place of chaos I've learned so much about myself - things I never thought possible, things I didn't even know existed. I've learned how I survive without the guidance of my parents, without the constant reinforcement of “the rules”.
I will be going home to a different chaos, which I know won't be as relaxing as I am wishing it to be. I want to stay, I want to never leave. I want to know that this period of fun and learning, this time of kesher (connection) will stay with me forever.
These people who walked so calmly (at least they seemed calm to me, frazzled and frenzied as I felt inside) into my life and made such a difference - I want them to come home with me.
I feel sick inside. Going to Israel is called “Aliyah”, “going up”. But it's as if the transition home is giving me the bends, as if I am rising up out of the depths of learning, out of the complete immersion of The Land and back toward the thin glaring harshness of the surface, where nothing is as meaningful.
I am comforted knowing that not a single moment spent here in Israel was wasted. Every laugh was cherished every smile had a reason, every song sung with passion. Everything happened for a purpose, not one moment was spent without knowing that it was not the happiest time of my life.
It's come down to the last 2 weeks, and I feel as if I will hate them and and love them more than any 2 weeks of my life. The strongest and most sincere emotions are coming forward, and I don't know how I will deal with it all.
But with the help of these amazing friends that I've made, for the rest of my life and on, I know that I'll get through.
