Satisfaction

"you're so grown up! You look just like your mother!" I hear these comments over and over again! I sit and wonder, why must you tell me that i look like mom? Why can't you tell me that i look like me? Everyone says that no one will ever look like you, there is only one you. So why must i be told to look like someone else? Many girls are happy to hear people compliment them about their looks, their face lights up when someone tells them " You're so beautiful!" while they bask in the glory of unimportant things such as looks, i take all my pleasure and my pride in seeing the looks on someones face when they hear something amazing i've written, or seen something beautiful that i painted. Hearing a beautiful song that i worked so hard to learn to play on the piano, or to sing. Chanting torah for the children's service or just helping out at a service and feeling a part of something amazing! The look on someones face when i've done something great or amazing is all i need to feel good. To see Naomi almost cry when she saw her bench for the first time since i'd started painting it kept me going for 2 weeks straight. She had trusted me enough to let me take something and turn it into something else, and the look of surprise and pleasure and amazment almost had me crying! The tears where there, though they didn't fall from her eye's was amazing that i had the power to make people have emotions so strong. I know that in life i don't want to be just someone who occasionally does something great, i want to excel in everything i try and do. I know this is hard to do, but i feel that if i try than i will. My gift for writing and art and singing i know will lead me to great places, but i know that i also but work hard to get to that place in life. And if the hard work in the end is as satisfieing as the look on someone's face when they hear or see something amazing i've done, you better believe that i'm going to do it, and i'm going do it to the best of my 15 year old ability and beyond.

Dreams

All my life I've wanted to be something I'm not. A popstar, actor, famouse, popular, a model, a dancer, a music genious. The one thing that has always stayed the same about all of these is that I know I can't be any of these, I wasn't ment to be any of them. Throught the years though, one of these fantasies has always stayed with me, to become a famous singer. I've shed my tears and told my sad stories about how I can do it if I could only have a chance. I know i'm to late to be saying anything, I'm like any other girl, I know that I have basically no chance of making it, or getting a record deal. I tried to think of things that might make me different from the rest of the people that want to get a record deal too, i'm just like them, what so special about me? There's bound to be someone with a better voice than me, more talented than me and who have better chances than me. As childish as this dream is, i've held on to it for so long. I'm not ready to let it go just yet. Music has helped me in so many ways and i still want to believe that the world has a place for me to shine where the rest of my idols are. For me to reach this place would be so hard, and if I did make it, the entertainment world is cruel and harsh, people don't except you at first, they stare at you, wanting to know who you are trying to take the spot light, it's harsh. People want to know everything about you. They analize everything you do, say, wear, and make trying to find something to criticise you about. The funny part about this is that for as horrible as this sounds, i want to be there. I want to be known and hear myself on the radio, be in a studio for long hours recording songs until i'm ready to fall asleep, work hard on coriography, balance touring and school, i want all that. Thousands of other people are saying that it's there place, and i know that by me saying it's my place too is useless. I want it to be my place and i'm willing to work for it in anyway i must. All i need is one moment to shine, let me show the world what i can really do.

scared

As I'm sitting here talking to him, i realize why I'm shaking and why i can't control myself. Why i feel depressed and alone. The eomotions running through me are scaring me not because i'm afraid but because they are so pure, every emotion is purly that one thing, there is no mixing of them, they are all themselves and are like oil and water when trying to mix them. I'm shaking because i don't know how to control myself as i talk to him, i want him to know everything, give him so much and tell him my every secret. I love him, my heart says it, and my poor soul isn't ready for these emotions yet, they're to strong, to pure, to true for me to want or even be able to deal with them just yet. I want to tell him but i'm scared of the truth, he's figured out that i like him, but and i've said to much and now he want's to know the rest of what i've kept silent about for so long. So i tell him, and i'm right, he doesn't feel the same to any extent, i knew this was coming but i didn't want to believe it. Unaware of wat my body is doing i suddenly realize that something hot and wet is rolling down my cheek. It's salty and sweet, and full of the love i want so badly to have from him. Tears stream down my face, silently but like a stream, leaving paths for the rest to follow. I tell him that i can not go on for i am scared of my own emotions. But he tell's me it helps to talk and that i will feel better if i tell him, and i believe him so i do. The deeper i go the worse i shake the worse i feel and the more i want to never love again. I begin to think that it is better to never love than be loved and lose that person who you love. I tell him this, I've told him everything else, the feelings i've kept inside for months, the very kisses i've wanted to give him and i've dreamt about i've told him it all. And he only makes it worse by saying that if i do something because i can't control myself he'll understand. I want him to say "Stop you're going to make yourself love sick if you don't stop!" i want him to say he loves me too. I want my heart to be set at ease again once more, for a little while. But he doesn't and my heart isn't, so i sit and shake and cry and wish for the love i long and the emotions i fear.