Not all here....

I've been dead for so long it's hard for me to remember what it's like to live again......I'm not even sure when it first happened. But all of a sudden my daily life has become mainly getting yelled at. I'd love to say I'm not sure how I got into this place, but truth is I know exactly how I got here. Not even music brings me to life any more. I'm not really sure what I'm supposed do to get out of here. I know my world is crashing fast, and everything I love is going, and for some reason I just don't care.... I use to care, now.....everyone else seems to see what is going on and how to get out of it, but all I seem capable of is to talk...but I'm not sure how. I don't have the will to live, there's nothing good, it's so hard. What is there to look forward to any more? I gave up on going to Israel, I'm not sure if I convinced myself that it wasn't what I wanted or if it really wasn't what I wanted. I love my art....I know that it makes me happy...I think for a long time and up until now I've just made it be that if I was happy that I was living. I've not written in months....I can't even tell you how or why. I use to have so much emotion! I remember being 13 and having so much to say....now I'm not even sure what I'm capable of doing any more. But everyone else is able to see exactly what I can and can't do, yet I still have no clue. I'm not this pig headed and I know it, I use to care when someone was upset with me. It used to be the only thing I cared, I don't care that I'm graduating, I don't care about anything, and to be honest...I'm scared. I want Mom and Dad to hold my hand and help me through this....I want to know that it's going to be okay in the end, but I'm 18...that's not okay. I've always known I'm not normal, and I've just written off my behavior as normal teenage activity....but it's not, and in my heart I've always kind of known that too. It's hard, I guess at this rate I'll be dead.....within the next 2 or 3 years. I keep waiting for it to get better.....and I know it won't, but I keep waiting because it always seemed too. But it won't this time, I've always found a way to deal with it....but I don't think I can any more...I know I have to at some point. But this isn't what is good...I'm afraid of living. I've not lived for so long...that I'm afraid of what it's like to live....it's in my eyes, it's in my heart...I'm scared...and I'm a coward because I don't have the strength to get through it and be strong enough to try to live again. I'm ready to live again...I just don't know how to.....so until then....I'm silently dying......