Israel

"Hashke'vein-u adoni eloheinu le'shalom...", a song of healing, repair, wholeness, security, that's what it's asking for at least. Looking out at the 80 teenagers and a possible 15 madricheem, my heart questions how much healing the world needs. I sing strong, loud, sweet, with assurance and guidance. My heart bursts with pride," if only you could see me now Mom and Dad..." I think to myself. I'm guiding 80 people in prayer, doing what I've longed and wanted to do since I was 10, I'm being a Cantor. As I sing I can see peoples eyes fill up with tears, behind me Jerusalem spills in through the windows. I close my eyes and all of sudden I'm floating again in the Sach'nee with 37 of my closest friends around me, I'm running around Beit She'an complaining and cursing the entire way to the finish line of the race, I'm jumping and singing with arab kids in a hospital, I'm singing at an ederly home, I'm at the Kotel praying for the first time, my body prest hard against it's smooth stones, palms flat and caressing it lovingly, my lips touching the rock gently whispering my prayers into it's ears. I open my eyes and tears fall from them. The song ends, I blink back tears, someone reads something in english, I turn the page and begin to sing the next song. I realize all of a sudden , Becky, Molly J., and me are all holding each other's hands, tears in our eyes. It is each of our first times in Israel but definitely not the last. At the end of the service we hug each other, all around us, 80 teenagers keep up the Ruach, for another hour and a half, I am Heather, I am a Cantor, I am an Ambassador for Unity..... I am part of Israel.

Best Friend

Have you ever lost your best friend? Or at least felt like you lost them for a certain amount of time? Have you ever had that feeling of having a whole in your heart that can't be filled because it's just that unique but you have to have it filled or else you'll die? Well I have that feeling, before school even ended my best friend was taken from me, before I could even complain once to her about how horrible life is during the summer or get a first inside joke, she was taken from me without any warning that this is what it would feel like. Okay so it may not be that she was torn away from me, she went of her own free will, and weather she knows that she is indeed my one true best friend or not she is and life is horribly dull without her! Who is my best friend you ask? well first off, she's known me for all 13 years of her life, and I've known her just as well, she knows everything about me and I know everything about her. She is my sister, and she's been taken from me by her love of camp for one month and now without her I'm lost. I'm lost because without her, I'm not the same person. There is a part of me that is gone and it's a large part of me too, we did a lot together. I miss being able to talk to her at night, even if she did bug me sometimes, or hear who she liked or didn't like of the guys that I liked. She is everything that I am not, and without her I don't know where my head is, things aren't as funny without her. Punishments aren't half as enjoyable without her, the house is to quiet and to much about the little boys running around without her. I feel upset when I don't get a letter from her. I miss being able see her in the morning and comfort her during whatever it was that she had that was hurting her. I even miss her calling me stupid or weird. She is the one person who if I lose, I would die of a broken heart because without her life simply isn't as great of an adventure or as good of a story to live. I want her back now, I want her here in my arms because I need her. I feel like I'm whithering away without her, and I don't know if I can last 2 more weeks without her. I'm trying but I need her now.......

Handicapped

When it seems that you are an outsider looking in on something else how do you become the insider? When your vision is distorted or unclear how do you clear the fog from your eyes so you can see? When all your life you've lived with a handicap, even if it may be a small one, how do you overcome it? What if your handicap makes it difficult for you to learn certain things or you are missing many concepts in that area, how do you make it better? What if you've been trying to get over it since the 3rd grade. All my life I've had handicaps in math, none of it clicks, simple things like adding and subtracting are difficult for me to do, multiplying is hard too. The ADD doesn't help either, it's just another hurdle for me to jump over. The world of math has never made sense to me, I don't think is ever will, and to me that is not okay. I don't want to just barley pass by or know the material enough to just scrape up an A on a test. I want to understand it, and to pass without a worry or break into a sweat every time I'm asked to try a problem out in front of the class. I want to walk into an SAT and not dread the math section because I'm not sure what I will and won't understand and will I be able to answer more than 20 questions on it. I want to be competent in more than just geometry, I want to be good at algebra too. I've never liked my handicap, I've excepted it, but I've never become fond of it or ever shown it off. I've hidden it, hoping that if I get far enough ahead of the class I'll be able to appear just like everyone else, you know, normal. But when the school decides to asses you on your math thinking, it all comes out, every little trick, movement, and procedure that you've created to help get through the fog and get to the answer. In that assessment I felt naked, they had exposed me in a way that was uncomfortable and embarrassing, I felt powerless and out of control. I wanted it to end as fast as it could. I don't want that to happen anymore, I want out of this straight jacket, I need my wings to fly.....

Love

Love. What is it and how can you describe it in a way that I might finally be able to know what love really is. When I or another teenager says "I'm in love!" we might actually know what it is we are really talking about, and I don't mean the dictionary definition or the answer you give to us when we're little. It seems to me that the word love is undefinable, everyone having their own definition of the word, yes some may be similar but in the end there is a slight change to it here and there. If I told you that love is when you are with another person and you feel so overjoyed just to be with them, that their presence made you feel safe and warm inside, that you are willing to make changes or sacrifices for them, and that their touch and/or kiss makes you feel electrified, would you agree with me 100%? Most likely you would say no, or you would agree with me to some extent. I don't know what love is, I want to know, and I don't mean sex or puppy love. I want to know what love is more than just the dictionary definition. I think I'm in love, but I'm not sure, he's the one that I can see myself marrieing. I think I'm in love...I think I'm in love... I think I'm in love...I'm in love...

Wishes

The people you want to date are the ones who you never seem to get. But people around you say that you should be dating them. When they finally want to date you they want to wait a little while, they're not ready yet. But why? You wait so patiently for them to finally begin to like you or even want to date you, and then when you finally get your chance you have to wait. So you wait because you really do like them and you really want to date them. Hanging on to their every word, trying to stay that special person that they want to date. You want to come a cross as fun, sexy, smart, sweet, shy, special, and just what they're looking for, but at the same time just be you. You flirt, you cry, you long for and sigh about them. But you wait, and if you're lucky they do finally ask you out. But in many cases, they find someone more well fitted to what they want, you don't get them, your dreams are crushed, you're ready to cry and you feel like a fool for waiting. But it felt good for the time the illusion was there, thinking you would get someone who is really and truly a great person. You where happy, you feel great, yet, once the illusion blows over you realize the truth and then it all sinks in, they did like you if only for a while, but now you're not what they want, and it's to bad for you. Have fun with that. I hope my wish comes true....because.......I like you....

Dying

I'm dieing, slowly but surly the life in me is being sucked out of me until soon there will be nothing left of me. Day by day, i can feel my soul being sucked from me, my friends and my family seem to be more important than ever, yet it seems to take me more and more strength everyday to put on my face and make it look as everything is ok. How do you explain that you feel as if day by day your soul is being pulled apart, and that within a weeks time you will be nothing but a zombie, a body who's brain and body function but has virtually no feelings. Each day I have to remind myself to do little things like laugh, smile, run, jump, make myself appear to be alive, I don't want to face the truth anymore than anyone else does. I'm scared, I don't know where to turn, but i need the love of my friends, and i need it now.... I'm dieing, and all i need is your love.........

Satisfaction

"you're so grown up! You look just like your mother!" I hear these comments over and over again! I sit and wonder, why must you tell me that i look like mom? Why can't you tell me that i look like me? Everyone says that no one will ever look like you, there is only one you. So why must i be told to look like someone else? Many girls are happy to hear people compliment them about their looks, their face lights up when someone tells them " You're so beautiful!" while they bask in the glory of unimportant things such as looks, i take all my pleasure and my pride in seeing the looks on someones face when they hear something amazing i've written, or seen something beautiful that i painted. Hearing a beautiful song that i worked so hard to learn to play on the piano, or to sing. Chanting torah for the children's service or just helping out at a service and feeling a part of something amazing! The look on someones face when i've done something great or amazing is all i need to feel good. To see Naomi almost cry when she saw her bench for the first time since i'd started painting it kept me going for 2 weeks straight. She had trusted me enough to let me take something and turn it into something else, and the look of surprise and pleasure and amazment almost had me crying! The tears where there, though they didn't fall from her eye's was amazing that i had the power to make people have emotions so strong. I know that in life i don't want to be just someone who occasionally does something great, i want to excel in everything i try and do. I know this is hard to do, but i feel that if i try than i will. My gift for writing and art and singing i know will lead me to great places, but i know that i also but work hard to get to that place in life. And if the hard work in the end is as satisfieing as the look on someone's face when they hear or see something amazing i've done, you better believe that i'm going to do it, and i'm going do it to the best of my 15 year old ability and beyond.

Dreams

All my life I've wanted to be something I'm not. A popstar, actor, famouse, popular, a model, a dancer, a music genious. The one thing that has always stayed the same about all of these is that I know I can't be any of these, I wasn't ment to be any of them. Throught the years though, one of these fantasies has always stayed with me, to become a famous singer. I've shed my tears and told my sad stories about how I can do it if I could only have a chance. I know i'm to late to be saying anything, I'm like any other girl, I know that I have basically no chance of making it, or getting a record deal. I tried to think of things that might make me different from the rest of the people that want to get a record deal too, i'm just like them, what so special about me? There's bound to be someone with a better voice than me, more talented than me and who have better chances than me. As childish as this dream is, i've held on to it for so long. I'm not ready to let it go just yet. Music has helped me in so many ways and i still want to believe that the world has a place for me to shine where the rest of my idols are. For me to reach this place would be so hard, and if I did make it, the entertainment world is cruel and harsh, people don't except you at first, they stare at you, wanting to know who you are trying to take the spot light, it's harsh. People want to know everything about you. They analize everything you do, say, wear, and make trying to find something to criticise you about. The funny part about this is that for as horrible as this sounds, i want to be there. I want to be known and hear myself on the radio, be in a studio for long hours recording songs until i'm ready to fall asleep, work hard on coriography, balance touring and school, i want all that. Thousands of other people are saying that it's there place, and i know that by me saying it's my place too is useless. I want it to be my place and i'm willing to work for it in anyway i must. All i need is one moment to shine, let me show the world what i can really do.

scared

As I'm sitting here talking to him, i realize why I'm shaking and why i can't control myself. Why i feel depressed and alone. The eomotions running through me are scaring me not because i'm afraid but because they are so pure, every emotion is purly that one thing, there is no mixing of them, they are all themselves and are like oil and water when trying to mix them. I'm shaking because i don't know how to control myself as i talk to him, i want him to know everything, give him so much and tell him my every secret. I love him, my heart says it, and my poor soul isn't ready for these emotions yet, they're to strong, to pure, to true for me to want or even be able to deal with them just yet. I want to tell him but i'm scared of the truth, he's figured out that i like him, but and i've said to much and now he want's to know the rest of what i've kept silent about for so long. So i tell him, and i'm right, he doesn't feel the same to any extent, i knew this was coming but i didn't want to believe it. Unaware of wat my body is doing i suddenly realize that something hot and wet is rolling down my cheek. It's salty and sweet, and full of the love i want so badly to have from him. Tears stream down my face, silently but like a stream, leaving paths for the rest to follow. I tell him that i can not go on for i am scared of my own emotions. But he tell's me it helps to talk and that i will feel better if i tell him, and i believe him so i do. The deeper i go the worse i shake the worse i feel and the more i want to never love again. I begin to think that it is better to never love than be loved and lose that person who you love. I tell him this, I've told him everything else, the feelings i've kept inside for months, the very kisses i've wanted to give him and i've dreamt about i've told him it all. And he only makes it worse by saying that if i do something because i can't control myself he'll understand. I want him to say "Stop you're going to make yourself love sick if you don't stop!" i want him to say he loves me too. I want my heart to be set at ease again once more, for a little while. But he doesn't and my heart isn't, so i sit and shake and cry and wish for the love i long and the emotions i fear.

His Other Side

Boys. They keep things to themselves, you hardly know what they think. And if they like you and you find out, or they tell you, they try to make every it seem as if they don't. They hide from you, but they want to be with you. His friends make fun of him for liking you, but your friends can't stop talking about him and how lucky you are that he likes you. When you two are alone, everything is perfect, he's honest truthful and not afraid to tell you what he thinks of you. He tells you that you look beautiful, that your eye's are hypnotizing and that he could look into them forever, he tells you that your body is perfect, that your personality is incredible, and that who you are is everything he could ever ask for in anybody. He makes you feel like you are amazing, that without you, he wouldn't have a reason to live. But his friends think the opposite thing. They think that you are taking up his time, that all of the sweet things he's saying aren't true. At least that's what they tell you. You know that they want you out of his life, and you try to ignore them. His kisses are sweet,light, and delicious, he doesn't push you, and you don't push him. Both of you have a hard time deciding on things, but in the end you end up agreeing on the same thing. You both laugh and enjoy each other's company, when you're cold, he wraps his arms around you and hugs you. When you're sitting on the couch by yourself he snuggles up next to you just happy to be near you. He's polite to your parents, and you'r polite to his. He plays with your younger siblings, and doesn't care if they're constantly around you. He's everything you've ever wanted, and you can't imagine life without him. The weekends are your time together, his friends, will have to wait until the week to be with him. You want to be with him every second you can, constantly calling, IM'ing, and e-mailing him. You try to not do it to much, afraid he might get annoyed with you, but he never does, you have fantasies about him and you. You want him to be like this all the time, but the truth is, you the only one who will ever see his other side.