Ignored

There are times in life when you feel ignored, or that no one actually know's that you exist. Times like that happen to me very often, and you would think that you might get use to it after a while, but you don't. Big surprise there right? I don't know you tell me, when you think that your friends are ignoring you, that your best friend is avoiding you, and the whole world is against you, what do you do to stop yourself from crying? I'm being serious. I feel ignored every time I try to be serious, why this is I don't know, but I feel that anything that I say that is seriouse, I feel that it is never taken as a seriouse statment. Because of this, I have made it so that I'm a noticable person, if I have something to say, I make sure that who ever I'm saying it too know's it. But what if the person you're trying to talk to, won't talk to you, what if he/she is so convinced that you really don't mean what you're saying that they just laugh at you every time you say something? Well that's kind of what it feels like for me. But you tell me, with a dad like mine, I can see why!

Emotions

I know that being the oldest of 4 kids, trying to get good grades, having a steady relationship, and singing in an international choir sounds like an easy thing to balance to some people. To other people this may sound very crazy and that they for sure could never stand up to the task. I for one, agree. The amount of physical and emotional stress that is put on you to do well in school, be a good role model and many other things is incredible. The emotions that bubble inside me every day are to much altogether to keep held calmly inside of me. So I seek the help of my friends, a boyfriend, or one of the most trusted people in my life. I sit and I cry or I laugh or I just sit there in that person's arms relaxing and thinking deeply until I feel that I know exactly what I want to talk about. But my emotions lately have been crazy, out of control, and there are times, like the one I'm in right now, where all I want to do is to sit and cry. But I can't because for as much as I want to, I know that me crying is a rather big thing. Joram comes up to me and ask's me what's wrong, then Kaleb, then Isabelle. Dad will poke his head in, I'll tell him to just leave me alone and he will, last but not least mom will poke her head in and no matter what I may say she won't leave. I have to thank her for this, because if she did leave me, I would sit in my room all day and just cry, instead I sit and cry and tell her everything that is wrong, and she listens. For as strange as it may sound though, that's all that i might need is the paitence of someone who cares to just sit there and listen. Emotions are a funny thing, they control your life, who you are and what you feel. They even control how we act. I don't want to be a sad person, I don't like crying, I like laughing and making other people laugh, I like writing sweet things that make people think or cry or have a personal connection to whatever it is that my thoughts are. I like being a teenager and knowing that I am surrounded by a community of people who love me and will help guide me through life. Although the time to letting go of my hand is coming closer and closer and I know that it will be scary for a while to be out in the world all on my own. But I also know that the community that surrounds me won't leave me either, and that's what I remember every time I have a bad day, that no matter what I do or what my emotions may be, they will always be there for me.

Shabbat

It's almost here, my heart is pounding, my adrenaline is pumping through me that I can hardly contain myself, the anxiety that I have must be let out in some way. That one car pulls in, I want to rush out to meet the people who all sit in the car and then slowly pile out. I want to run up to them, hug them all, and take all the kids by the hand and say, "Come on, I've been waiting so long, let's go play!" But I can't, so I sit in the living room, trying to act calm looking through the window, watching them as they walk up the drive way,I hear the door open, Joram greets them with his usual hello, Isabelle is standing there waiting for the younger kids to follow her, the other 2 slowly enter the room in which I sit. I can hardly contain my enthusiasm, I try to cover it up by saying something weird or trying to not be active for the energy that only Fridays's give me has built up and I must spend it now. I say something to them, they laugh, and then they follow me to where ever I may lead them. More kids come in, and as more come in, more energy is given to me. I quickly become exhausted, by dinner, my energy is spent. I don't want it to come back but that first bite of the sensational food sends my adrenaline pumping madly through my entire body. This is what Fridays are like

Guys

Okay for all my guys friends out there, I'm sorry but I'm going to pick on you. As a girl I know that guys drive us crazy! They like you, they hate you, they love you, they loathe you, they drive use nuts, but we love them for it. We don't understand your ways and you don't seem to understand ours either. You confuse us, you make us scratch our heads in wonder. You make us stare in confusion, and you hypnotize us with your enchantments that you cast on us. We try to show ourselves off to you, we wear the skimpiest swim suits as to show off our bodies, we try and catch the sunlight just right so that we seem to glow. We worry about our hair, how we smell, is our make up ok, do we match, are our skirts short enough, is our underwear cute enough, are our chests stuck out enough, are our shirts tight enough. The list of things goes on and on. Guy's seem to have it the easy way, They pull on some pant's a shirt sag their pants comb their hair spray on some Ax and they're done. Girls take it to the extreme, I try not to but all to many a time I have felt myself become pulled into the vortex to which many girls fall a victim too, of caring about what you look like instead of what you know, and how you think, and if you care about your self. I've been lucky and have been able to learn how to tell when that vortex is about to pull me in, and how to stop it. For me, I just look myself in the miror and say to myself, "This is me, I am pretty just the way I am, I can be me without the help of the make up and all the other gunk, all I really need is my brain." I make sure that I have my time to be girly, but I try to stick to on the neutral side of things, and girls let me tell you, guy's want to date you for who you are, not for the size cup you are!

Music

No matter what it comes down to, everyone has one thing in common. We all like music. Wheather it's classical, pop, country, broadway, what ever, we all enjoy listening to it and being a part of it. When I'm part of somthing that can surround me and make me feel like all my troubles are gone, I call it heaven. But the feeling of being able to be a part of a four part harmonious choir is the most thrilling and unexplainable feeling that I have ever had. At Hazamir yesterday we had finished our last rehersal before we go to New York tomorrow, we decided to end with Seasons of Love. This isn't a song that we are actually singing, but it's a song that we all love. As we sang together we all clapped our hands and moved our body's in a way that only music that surounds you can make you feel. I felt like nothing could stop us, no matter what challenges may face us or what problems may stop us. By singing together as a community playing a song that everyone liked. I knew in that one moment that everything was and is going to be alright

School

We all go to this place for most of our lives. We seem to spend more time here than we do at home, we hate it, we like it, we loathe it, we love it. It's school, in the closed confines of the different buildings that we call school, we figure out who we are. We learn things that we think are useless to us, but really the will help us in later life. We study how the guys or the girls act because secretly you want to be that one special girl or guy who knows just why the guys are looking at the girls funny or why the girls keep giggling and looking at the guys. Neither of us are quite sure why we do this but we do. The rules that seem to be imprinted in us, yet we don't know wat they are. We follow the "popular" kids who later on in life will turn out just like all of us. We joke around saying that we're going to marry rich or that our parents will support us, but we're all worried on the inside, we all know that we want to be successful. The girls play dumb and the guys play macho. We compete with each other trying to see who is the best at whatever. In the end at graduation day we will all see that we're all alike yet different. I don't know how we are alike and different yet, but I know that my time is comeing soon and fast to learn why. I know that in my heart this is the truth, and the way I act is affected by those secret rules imprinted on me that many generations before me and after me have followed. This is what we do, we follow and we lead.

Invisible

Do you ever have that feeling when you're around that one guy that you don't really exist. Or that no matter what you do, change your hair what sports you like, that kind of stuff, that he'll never really take any notice of you? That's how I feel somtimes around one guy in general that I know. He's everything that I could ever want, and yet when I'm in his presence I feel unimportant, or that I'm an unwanted guest in his presence. He makes me become a little kid instead of being my 14 year old self. I know that to try to get him to be excited about somthing it takes a lot. I've changed a lot about me to try and make him like me more. I've started to get into the same sports that he likes, the kind of music that he likes, even the kind of things he likes to learn about. I've changed myself entirely for this one guy. He's become my best friend and yet i'm the one who's most excluded from his life, he's become the most trusted person in my life and yet, I'm the one who he seems to trust the least. I wish things could be like they use to, before our friendship became so stiff, I wish that I could be that one person that he couldn't wait to see on Friday night's. But I'm not and somtimes I think that's what hurts the most, is that he's grown out of me, he doesn't need me. But what he doesn't know is that I still need him, a lot because without him, my life wouldn't be the same, I wouldn't have a reason to try and look nice every day or try so hard in school. But I do, I try to catch his eye and let him know that I'm here, and that I'm waiting for him and that I always will be.